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Comedy Central
Jul 1, 2011 7:00pm PDT
program bill kristol. sir! ( applause ) bill! bill! what are we-- what are we doing? what are we doing? afghanistan. >> it's been a good show so far. >> jon: fine program, isn't it? >> it is a good program. i'm totally with you against the supreme court decision. >> jon: super mario boners. >> i'm not with you on that part. laugh ( laughter ) i saw you playing the game. >> jon: i have kids. i love video games, but i still think there is a certain limit to what-- i mean, once you start disemboweling your mortal combat opponent, i would think a 10-year-old should have to not be able to buy that. >> i think even a 25-year-old maybe shouldn't be able to buy that. i mean, it really is grotesque. i get that it's free speech, to protect our rights to political speech, -- >> it would be fun to play. i will say that. but, no-- >> you'red any at it i hear from your guys back there. >> jon: settle down. i have to have something to do during the day speaking of mortal combat. the president said he's going to pull out 10,000 troops and everybody is very nervous about that, but we do have to leave t
Comedy Central
Jun 30, 2011 11:00pm PDT
to the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. got a big show for you tonight. bill kristol, editor of "the weekly standard," will be joining us. he's a fox news contributor. yet, yet, i hope to talk to him about a less contentious issue than that, like afghanistan. all right. ( laughter ) what a show. we're going to start with something that i found on the tv box this morning that was maybe one of the greatest things i've ever seen in my life. >> mark halperin. what was the president's strategy? >> are we in the seven-second delay today? >> oh, lordy. >> i want to characterize how i thought the president behaved. >> we have it. we can use it, right, alex? >> yeah, sure, come on. >> go for it. >> i thought he was kind of a dick yesterday. ( laughter ) >> jon: mark halperin, senior political analyst, editor at large of "time" magazine just called the president a dick. and that wasn't like a spontaneous, like, can't contain myself, you lie! like this one, you guys have a delay because i'm going to call the president a dick. now, people can argue whether that's appropriate, whether halper
Comedy Central
Jul 1, 2011 2:00am PDT
explain that to her? >> i'll say i met a nice guy in the bathroom, and we traded shirts. >> are you listening to yourself? jesus christ. >> i'm freaking out, dude. >> oh, don't tell her... >> okay, new plan, new plan, new plan: charlie, make a move. just tell her you want to bang her. >> whoa, whoa, whoa. no. is that how you get chicks? >> well, he's got a 50/50 shot. >> that's a good point. >> it's a yes or no scenario. >> it is a no scenario. >> why? >> don't approach her that way. that's not gonna work. >> am i getting the shirt? >> you're not gonna get the shirt. all right, this is what you're gonna do. go back out there, start asking her questions about herself. talk to her about being a lawyer, okay? >> i can do that. >> that's gonna work, and then if anything goes wrong, i'll come out there, i'll say i'm the manager of gugino's. do you understand? right? >> i got it, i got it, i got it. >> you good? >> we'll be good. >> all right, great. >> just go. >> just go. >> oh, come on. >> just get out. >> yeah. >> hey. i'm sorry about that. it took a little while. there was a guy in the bathroom-- he wouldn't give me his shirt, and i was fighting him. i'm, like, "give me your shirt, bro." and he didn't want to give it to me, and it was, like, a whole thing. >> ah, ah, ah. hi. uh, i'm the manager, and mr. kelly is one of our preferred customers. it's so wonderful to see you here... >> uh, right, uh, my good man... >> ...again this evening. >> uh, now i'm gonna want the milk steak boiled over hard. >> ah. >> and a side of your finest jelly beans raw. (dennis laughs) >> mr. kelly, you have the most wonderful sense of humor. >> hey, i own this joint, and i know this guy, and he is loaded. mr. kelly, we have your milk boiling just the way you like it back there for your steak. >> you're gonna like this. >> how's about i clear out the coat room, and you guys hit it in there while the steak is getting ready? >> what? >> what in the hell are you doing? >> i got this. he's gonna be aggressive. >> i've got this? >> charlie, make a move. maul. >> no. no, don't maul. (shrieks, charlie yells) >> i'm leaving! >> you grabbing her breasts? what are you doing? >> i don't know. what does make a move mean? >> it doesn't mean stab at her breasts with your fingers. >> oh, man. >> come on, bro. you're ordering milk steak and jelly beans? >> you guys blew it, dude. >> i told you to stick with the game plan. >> we blew it? >> it was going great. i had it, man. >> you did not have it. >> you don't know shit about chicks, man. >> we don't know shit about chicks? >> yeah. >> well, guess what, bro. the waitress is getting married, so suck on that! >> i see. well, i suppose i'll be taking that milk steak to go, then. (charlie sighs) >> yeah, and so the wendy's manager is, all, "you got to clean that up." and i said, "they're your hamburgers. you clean them up." and then artemis got all bummed out because of something i did with the onions to myself, and now she won't talk to me. >> frank, i don't give a shit about any of this. >> hey, man, where's the baseball bat? >> baseball bat in the corner. >> oh. >> we're trying to arm ourselves 'cause charlie's gonna be here any minute, and he might take us out, so... (dennis sighs) >> oh, don't worry about charlie. charlie's over this. in fact, i saw him this morning. he said he was bringing the guy a congratulatory gift. >> really? >> yeah. >> oh, great. (door buzzer sounds) >> hi. what's, what's, uh... what's this? >> this is for your engagement, man. uh, you're a lucky... lucky dude, and, uh, congratulations to you. >> oh, man. no, no, no, no. that's, that's not happening anymore. we're not, uh... we're not engaged. >> you're not getting married? >> nah. >> oh. >> you're charlie kelly, right? yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. i remember you from high school. >> hang on a second, dude. uh, you're not getting married? >> well... (clears throat) remember how, uh, everybody used to... to make fun of us in high school? >> i remember how they made fun of you. >> anyway, i have been getting my revenge. i've been getting engaged to all these chicks who broke up with me in high school 'cause of my acne, and then i dump them right before the wedding. >> damn. >> hmm. yeah, i just got through doing it to that coffee shop waitress. now i'm gonna do it to this chick dee reynolds. remember her? she was the worst. >> yeah, uh, so... so that coffee shop waitress-- she must have been hurt kind of bad by that, though, right? >> yeah, yeah, yeah. she was... she was devastated. >> oh. >> so... >> well, tell you what, man. why don't you go ahead and have this present anyway? >> really? >> yeah, yeah. i mean, i feel like you deserve it. >> (laughing): well, thanks, dude. >> yeah. >> that's, that's rad. (chuckling): all right. well, keep it real, man. >> okay. okay. >> all right. (hornets buzzing) huh. >> june 30, 2011. from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is the "daily show" with jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by comedy central >> jon: welcome to the "daily show." my name is jon stewart. got a big show for you tonight. bill kristol, editor of "the weekly standard," will be joining us. he's a fox news contributor. yet, yet, i hope to talk to him about a less contentious issue than that, like afghanistan. all right. ( laughter ) what a show. we're going to start with something that i found on the tv box this morning that was maybe one of the greatest things i've ever seen in my life. >> mark halperin. what was the president's strategy? >> are we in the seven-second delay today? >> oh, lordy. >> i want to characterize how i thought the president behaved. >> we have it. we can use it, right, alex? >> yeah, sure, come on. >> go for it. >> i thought he was kind of a dick yesterday. ( laughter ) >> jon: mark halperin, senior political analyst, editor at large of "time" magazine just called the president a dick. and that wasn't like a spontaneous, like, can't contain myself, you lie! like this one, you guys have a delay because i'm going to call the president a dick. now, people can argue whether that's appropriate, whether halperin crossed some sort of line, whether or not journalism has lost its professionalism. personally i could give a ( bleep ). that horse left the barn years and years ago. what's interesting to me about what he did is not what he did. it's what happened after they came back from the commercial. >> joking aside, this is a pro forma apology. it's an absolute apology. heartfelt to the president and the viewers. i became part of the joke but that's no excuse. i made a mistake and i'm sorry and i shouldn't have said it and i apologize to the president and to the viewers who heard me say that. >> jon: now, now, you knew he was going to apologize. but what you didn't know is his apology would be chaperoned. ( laughter ) by show regular willy geist' disapproving glare. look at this guy. look at his face during this apology. look at it! it is a perfect mix of disappointment. it has a dash of sadness. a smidgen of disbelief. all with just a hint of "why the ( bleep ) am i in some shot?" ( laughter ) seriously. why is he in that shot? you can't grab a one-shot? not that i'm complaining because for my money, having him there works. it has that look of, "no, mister! you are going to sit here and you are going to tell mr. ferguson why you broke his ( bleep ) window. now we're going over there right now." i actually think from now ofrom now on, this guy willy geist should be included in all of our apologies. >> i have made terrible mistakes and hurt the people i care about the most. >> i'm deeply sorry for my irresponsible and selfish behavior. >> i apologize to the public,. >> my hurt cause, you know, someone else's hurt. >> i am profoundly sorry for all i have done wrong. >> i regret deeply any injury that may have been done. >> i just want to apologize. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> jon: what? what?! fine, i'll say it. i'm sorry. it's like magic. the ongoing race for the white house, and on the republican side, things are trending in one direction, my friends-- >> polls show that mitt romney is leading the g.o.p. field for 2012. >> he's ahead in the polls. he's way ahead in the money. he's knot a much stronger organization. he's got the name recognition. >> jon: wow. mitt romney is the one the republicans are taking to the big dance. are there any drawexpwrookz well it's hard to get excited about mitt romney. >> if the election were tomorrow it would probably be mitt romney. but that's only because of the lack of choice. >> jon: wow. ( laughter ) the republicans are nervous about nominating the mormon ex-governor with perceived softness on social issues. they'll do it but with the same enthusiasm as, say, someone taking their cousin to the prom. ( laughter ) it's better than nothing. you might still get laid, but you're not going to feel that great about it. what?! no, i'm sorry! i'm sorry! ( applause ) i shouldn't have said it! i'm sorry! so judgmental. all right, clearly, republicans are looking for an option. what else have we got? >> jon huntsman makes his entrance in the republican presidential race. >> is he likely to become the sort of anti-romney candidate for the republicans? >> jon: the anti-romney. he's a handsome mormon ex-governor with perceived softness on social issues. ( laughter ) he's not the anti-romney. he's the candidate for people who would vote for romney but are concerned romney has too much name recognition. ( laughter ) come on, people! give me somebody truly different. >> i personally think michele bachman, your colleague, is going to be a real challenger to mitt romney. >> jon: there you go, michele bachman. she couldn't be more different. he's a man. she's a lady. he's tall. she's short. he looks directly into the camera. she looks just to the right of it. ( laughter ) her campaign got off to a running start when she declared her candidacy in her birth place of waterloo, iowa. >> what i want them to know is just like john wayne was from woortly, iowa, that's the spirit i have, too. >> it looks like she got her john waynes confused. john wayne lived about 150 miles away from waterloo. john wayne gacy, who raped and killed 33 men and boys did live in waterloo before his killing spree began. ( laughter ) >> jon: how do you know she got her john waynes confused? maybe she was like, yo! i'm from waterloo, serial killer straight up. ( laughter ) just got implants. nice going, michele bachman. i'm sure she endeared herself to her home town. i believe the waterloo chamber of commerce sent her a thank you card. ( laughter ) she mixed up some names. she's not screwing up the important stuff like the era of history on which she bases her entire philosophy of government. >> you said the founding fathers who wrote the constitution and the declaration of independence worked tirelessly to ends slavely. with respect, that's not true. >> if you look at one of our founding fathers, john quincy adams, that was true. he was a very young boy when with his father serving as his secretary. he tirelessly worked throughout his life to make sure we did, in fact, one day, eradicate slavery. >> he wasn't one of the founding fathers. >> john quincy adams most certainly was a part of the revolutionary war era. he was a young boy but he was actively involved. >> jon: right, but he wasn't a found father. he was nine at the time. if he had signed the declaration of independence, this is what it would have looked like. he was a kid. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you know what? i'll give michele bachman credit. she actually made a non-fox appearance unlike other none-romney republican options. speaking of whom, why was palin in iowa. >> sarah palin is in iowa tonight to attend a movie premiere. but it's not just any movie. the film is called "the undefeated" and offers a positive portrait of her life and career. >> jon: another two things. first, the documentary about the losing vice presidential candidate in the 2008 election is called "the undefeated." ( laughter ) second, you're clearly running for president. >> what we say on the fishing boat stays on the fishing boat. you don't need to be announcing anything. >> jon: yes, why announce. it would ruin this sliious will she or won't she tension. and we all know that's what killed "moonlighting." governor palin, i certainly hope you're running for president, because if you're not, if you're just riding around in a giant bus with your name on it to catch caucus state premieres of a documentary about yourself? that's freaky. ( laughter ) does that mean you're like a chimp in a ferris wheel from michael jackson territory? i'm not apologizing! no, i'm not apologizing for that! i think if she's not running for president, it's a weird thing to do. ( laughter ) fine. ( bleep ) it! i'm sorry! ( laughter ) you know, i think i may have isolated the republicans' problem. it's not that republicans have too few candidates. it's that the candidates they do have are doper-gangers. they have the handsome middle aged mormon twins. they have the american history-challenged hotness. they have conservative fire brands from georgia, and of course a pair of oak trees. ( laughter ) only one of them can be the ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: welcome back. so as many of you know, the supreme court's term ended with a rash of new rulings. >> the court struck down a law passed by the california legislature in 2005 and signed into law by then-governor arnold schwarzenegger that made a crime to sell or rent video games depicting violence to anyone under 18. >> jon: oh, wow. that's got to be a huge disappointment for schwarzenegger. a man who fought so hard for so long to protect kids from images of gratuitous violence. ( laughter ) the state has no place keeping kids from buying violent video games. big deal. you know what? i agree with that. i used to play video games, space invaders, doom. how bad could the games really bee-- oh, my god! oh! oh ( bleep )! oh, my god! i think i'm going to be sick! oh! oh! that ( bleep )! oh, get some ice! ( laughter ) can the states place any restrictions on content sold to minors? >> justice slae in his opinion-- salea said governments might be able to restrict sexual materials but not violent and other materials. >> oh. what? so i guess that's good news for today's graphically violent video games. bad news for sexy gaming classics like super mario boners. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) nice job, sam. let's be clear what we're talking about here. fair warning. this is really fair warning. you may find this next clip-- in fact i'd be truly surprise fud don't, in all sheersness-- shocking and offensive. it's like an interactive, animated snuff film. if you are sensitive to violent imagery now might be a good time to go to another room and have filthy, disgusting deviant sex. in this case brown versus entertainment, the supreme court determined 7-2, that the state of california has no interest in restricting the sale of this game-- no interest in restricting the sales of that game to children. but, if while being disemboweled this woman were to suffer perhaps a nip slip, regulate away. personally, i don't know if video game violence affects children but i am worried that the games are affecting judges that have to look at them, like in the-- in the wisconsin supreme court... >> just anne walsh bradley is accusing fellow justice david proctor of trying to choke her during a heated debate. proffer denies it. >> what justice bradley says is she asked justice david proffer to leave. he put her neck in a choke hold. >> jon: judges fighting each other. sound look a case for my new show "court, court." literally, a bench-clearing brawl happening in the midst of of an ideologically charged debate over collective bargaining rights. it's the biggest political fight in receipt wisconsin history but it's he said/she said. how do we ever know who is right? the altercation allegedly took place in front of their court colleagues. >> jon: oh, my god. thank god. eyewitnesses. and not just any eyewitnesses. the other supreme court justices pillars of the wisconsin legal establishment, the very people entrusted with the solid judicial duty of weighing fact and determining justice. >> and they, too, are divide over exactly what happened. ( laughter ) >> jon: the other justices were there and they're still-- let me guess, party lines. they're divided on party lines. these are people whose job is interpreting what a dwrum group of dead founders were thinking and they're can't agree on what happened right in front of their ( bleep ) eyes. ( laughter ) i used to think your reality shaped your politics. it's clear now, your politics shapes reality. we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: my guest tonight editor of the "the weekly standard." please welcome back to the program bill kristol. sir! ( applause ) bill! bill! what are we-- what are we doing? what are we doing? afghanistan. >> it's been a good show so far. >> jon: fine program, isn't it? >> it is a good program. i'm totally with you against the supreme court decision. >> jon: super mario boners. >> i'm not with you on that part. laugh ( laughter ) i saw you playing the game. >> jon: i have kids. i love video games, but i still think there is a certain limit to what-- i mean, once you start disemboweling your mortal combat opponent, i would think a 10-year-old should have to not be able to buy that. >> i think even a 25-year-old maybe shouldn't be able to buy that. i mean, it really is grotesque. i get that it's free speech, to protect our rights to political speech, -- >> it would be fun to play. i will say that. but, no-- >> you'red any at it i hear from your guys back there. >> jon: settle down. i have to have something to do during the day speaking of mortal combat. the president said he's going to pull out 10,000 troops and everybody is very nervous about that, but we do have to leave these places, like afghanistan and iraq, at some point, do we not? >> right, and we have left iraq in bulk and did so after a successful -- >> how many people do we have in iraq? >> 50,000. >> jon: that's not leaving. >> we were supposed to slope down to zero at the end of the year. that's where the surge worked. it became much more peaceful and we drew down, 130,000 of from the surge. president obama's surge in afghanistan worked pretty well. everyone agreed we were going to draw down. i'm worried he's drawing down too fast and abruptly. i wish he followed general petraeus' recommendation but everybody agrees we'll be out of the combat portion of it by 2014. >> jon: as a country, do you feel like this is proof positive that our whole mentality about fighting the war on terror has been wrong for 10 years? would you say now-- would you-- would you stand and face the camera and say-- and-- and-- button your coat-- and say, oh, my god. i had this so completely wrong, guys. >> no. >> jon: bout butt how can-- >> the whole country has been engaged in this. and i think on the whole doing the right thing. look, a war-- a world in which americans have to fight and have to be, in effect, the kind of world policemen is a difficult world for us. god knows we all hate to see young american men and women go over there and fight and get wounded and die. on the other hand, a world in which we don't do that is a more dangerous world. >> jon: isn't that a false choice because a
FOX
Jul 31, 2011 9:00am EDT
. >> bret: the leaders signaling a debt deal could be reached. time for the sunday group. bill kristol of "the weekly standard." charles lane from the "washington post." steve hayes from "the weekly standard." fox news political analyst juan williams. the politics of this compromise. bill? >> assuming it happens, i think republicans will have to say to their constituents and the country, you negotiate the debt ceiling agreement with the president and this is the best we could get and the responsible thing to do, but do not oversell it. it's not a great deal in my opinion. adequate deal perhaps, if defense isn't gutted too much it doesn't fundamentally deal with the debt problem we have or economic problems we have. republicans should probably, will have to take the deal that is being negotiated today but they should not make it seem as if it's a great victory. they need to say we need a different president in 2013. >> bret: congressman mccarthy, chuck, probably has his work cut out for him as the whip in the white house, whatever comes over from the senate. >> absolutely. just look what h
Comedy Central
Jul 5, 2011 7:00pm PDT
i don't want you to worry about this another second, mr. hoffner, ok? 'cause i'm the man! i am the man. [honks horn] oh...look at you! ha ha! [honks horn] high 5. yeoww! ha ha ha ha ha ha! from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme song playing] [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. oh, we got a big one tonight. our guest tonight, mr. tom hanks. he is man so likable, so polite that his name actually contains the word "thanks." [laughter] it's right in it. we begin tonight with the economy, which, as many of you are aware, sucks. [laughter] right now we're looking to pay down $14.3 trillion of debt. [audience reacts] [laughter] apparently i'm reading a scary story to my children. they're going to do all the noises like it's "peter and the [bleeped] wolf or something." we're going to pay down $14. trillion of debt with a economy struggling to produce jobs, in large part because american workers still stubbornly cling to the idea that they should be more highly compensated than say suicidal chinese computer part factory help. [laughter] if it's good enough of these despondent people, well, not to worry, people. >> i just want to say a few words about the economy before i take your questions. >> jon: economy press conference. hooray! [cheering and applause] so what do we do, boss? >> the struggles of middle-class families were a big problem before the recession hit in 2007. they weren't created overnight, and the truth is our economic challenges are not going to be solved overnight. >> jon: but by monday... [laughter] monday? you got a plan? >> one of the most important and urgent things we can do for the economy is something that both parties are working on right now, and that's reducing our nation's deficit. >> jon: phew. well, thank god we know what to do, and that's not going to be too hard, right? >> we're going to have to tackle spending in the tax code to make it easier for entrepreneurs to patent a new product, rebuilding our transportation structure, eliminate waste, tackle entitlement, extend those middle-class tax cuts, help businesses create jobs. we got to seize this moment, and we have to seize it soon. [laughter] >> jon: what? of course, the first thing before we get to any of that stuff... [laughter and applause] that's why we get paid the cable money. [laughter] the first thing we do before we get to any of that good fixing the economy stuff, democrats say we have to raise america's $14.3 trillion debt ceiling before august 2nd, because if we don't do that, uh, wait, what happens again? >> armageddon. >> armageddon. >> arm getten. [laughter] >> jon: no, that wasn't it. no, no, no, that's right, you're right, total collapse of our economic system. but that's just the prerequisite to enacting any of those other solutions the president was talking about. i'm sorry, republicans, you wanted to say something about this. >> if all we do is extend the debt limit and do not start dealing with the fundamental fact that the american government spends money it doesn't have. >> jon: yes, no, no, no, i understand. are there other things that... >> tax increases are off the table. >> jon: oh. well, you know there's only two ways to reduce the deficit. you can cut spending or raise taxes. you take one of those off the table completely, you're not really negotiating. it's like saying, "i would do anything for love, but i won't do that." you really wouldn't then do anything for love. so i questions what i'm saying is meatloaf's premise is faulty is what i'm saying. [laughter] what are the democrats counter-offering? >> it almost makes you wonder if they aren't trying to slow down the economic recovery for political gain. >> jon: oh, for god's sake. all right. what do we have, until august 2nd before we hit armageddon. is there anything you agree on? >> they're not dealing in reality >> my republican friends seem to be living in a fantasy world. >> jon: oh, all right. just out of curiosity, harry reid, if they're living in a fantly world, would you still exist? [laughter] well, one thing is clear, one way or another armageddon, here we come. each party says the other is leading us to armageddon. is either of them being slightly hyperbolic? for more we go to the future with samantha bee iv and aasif mandvi, jr.,, jr.,, jr., in washington, d.c. hello, guys. >> hello, jon. >> gleep gloop glop. >> jon: oh, my gosh, is english no longer in use? >> of course it is. i'm just [bleeped] with you. >> jon: you're in the future where republicans did not raise the debt ceiling. are we in trouble in >> not really. republicans got everything they wanted. america declared bankruptcy and in receivership restructured our government and we got this capitalist you open thea. [laughter] >> jon: is this air breathable? >> it stings a little, but the free market will correct it. you know, eventually, for sure. >> jon: assif, tell me about the future that you're living in. >> well, here the democrats successfully raised the debt ceiling and increased taxes without cushing social programs. >> jon: i got the tell you, i got to tell you, seeing that, a little bit of a relief. it really does look great. >> oh, what this background? >> jon: yeah. >> this is a government-issued simu-screen made available through the enhancement act of 2033. usually it doesn't work that well. that's it. there it is. [laughter and applause] >> jon: assif, that's exactly the same environment that's in sam's future. >> no, no, sam is facing cancerous pollutants. this is a radiation cloud. [laughter] >> jon: what happened? >> well, we raised the debt ceiling, borrowed more than we could repay, and when china demanded their money back, there was a repo situation. long story short, we nuked them, they nuked us and have since been at war with their new army of radioactive pandas. [laughter] but it's a small price to pay to live in this beautiful, socialist paradise. >> jon: so neither republicans nor democrats were in any way exaggerating the consequences of each other's policies. >> no, no, in fact, underselling, or as our glorious chairman bobo would say [making chimp noises] all hail bobo. >> oh, please, savages. thank god the laissez faire policies of our dear president field marshal bobo have protected us as he so eloquently stated in his state of the [making chimp noises] >> jon: i think that last parted was a feces throw for emphasis. >> very expressive. >> jon: no matter which party gains tupper hand in 2011, it leads to a dystopia in america governed by apes. >> both: yes. >> jon: no third option might lead to that not happening? >> both: no. [cheering and applause] >> jon: welcome back. made... made... made in america used to mean something. mostly that we had jobs. [laughter] here in america. but with so many of these jobs going overseas, america has but one choice. jason jones has more. >> for years america faced a great threat. >> socialism is coming our way. >> we want to go to iraq. >> do we really want to change america into sweden? >> but when sweden opened up an ikea factory in virginia, socialism became the least of our worries. >> when they first showed up in danville, virginia, we thought, this is ikea, this is the best of the best, but workers are disrespected. they're abused. they don't get correct training. they don't have enough money to make ends meet. they're not paid enough. they're treating these workers as if it's a third-world country. >> to find out more, i met swedish business expert lars bargains. welcome. >> thank you. >> in a room filled with the comforts of his homeland. have a seat, please. >> oh. >> i think there is a misunderstanding about sweden which we have to correct. we for a long time have been capitalists and very good at it, but it's true that we also learned from the masters. now you're working for us, which is the way it turns around. >> god, look at you, so smug. >> you think i'm smug. >> a little bit. >> little bit, yeah. >> we used to be that smug. how do we get to be that smug again? >> i think that's the $1 million question. >> sweden was everything we used to be. [dancing queen playing] dominant, arrogant and so much more beautiful. but if sweden was us, who were we? >> we have, in fact, become sweden's mexico. >> really? >> absolutely. >> but if we want to work, we got to be somebody's mexico. >> if you're suggesting that the choice in america is to work for dangerous work, disrespectful work, degrading work at minimum wage. >> that's right. >> then my statement to you, sir, is that is unamerican. >> exactly. it's mexican. >> have you been to a mexican factory? >> yes. >> they have brutal work conditions, long hours, low pay. [inaudible] the water supply comes from the effluent from the factory. >> nothing wrong with that. >> which one were you at? >> the one in my head. and the problem is our american-run american factories like this one can't compete with our swedish-run mexican factories. these guys seem like complete wastes. the customers should be assembling it themselves. >> we haven't figured out how to do that. >> it's called an allen wrench. >> well, there's your first problem. it's comfortable. >> they coddled their employee at every turn. >> when does this guy get his bathroom break? >> bathroom break? >> yeah. >> whenever he has to go to the bathroom. >> oh, well, that's just stupid. >> well, i guess we just... >> if factories like this hope to survive, they'll have to modernize. >> it's classic. you'll have it for a lifetime. it's great style. i think the antique finish... >> whoa, whoa, $1,700, no thank you. ikea gives me that for $19.99 plus they'll throw in an ektorp. >> what? >> you're not going to throw an ektorp with it? >> no. >> what about a stronus? >> no. >> meltrop? >> no. >> ding dong? >> no. what? >> what union advocates don't get is if it's not sweden, it will be someone else. >> until we get recognize by the federal government as the union for danville, they're going to continue to struggle. >> if you unionize, ikea can ship down to south carolina, and those people work for pork rinds and horse vaginas. >> horse have a eye -- vaginas. >> bottom line, we need to learn a very important lesson from our swedish overlords. >> these are business people. they do whatever they can to make a buck. >> okay. >> oh, god damn this furniture is so cheap. >> jason jones. ...was it something big? ...or something small? ...something old? ...or something new? ...or maybe, just maybe... it's something you haven't seen yet. the 2nd generation of intel core processors. stunning visuals, intelligent performance. this is visibly smart. >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight, academy award-winning actor, his new film which he directed, wrote and starred in is called larry larry -- "larry crowne." >> my name is miss tainot, t-a-i-n-o-t, not tie-not. each of you will address the class for the first time and tell us something that you already know how to do. >> ms. tie-not? tay-not? taebo? >> really? >> jon: please welcome back to the program tom hanks. [cheering and applause] thank you, buddy. how you doing? >> thank you. >> soak it in. soak it in. >> thank you very much. thank you. >> jon: nice to see you. >> thank you very much. thank you very much. >> jon: you look very sharp, very dapper. >> thank you, thank you. jon jon this movie, this movie, tell me about... you look very good. >> are you ever cutting to camera three? if you're not, [bleeped] the tie. i don't care. >> jon: give him three, chuck. look, look, look. oh, no, that's not working. can i tell you something, though? i like it, though. it has a certain... there's a debonair quality to it. you don't look disheveled. no matter what i do, i look disheveled. you look very sharp. >> tommy cleans up good. >> jon: tommy does clean up good. tell me about this "larry crowne." it seems like a "stella gets her groove back" for middle-aged white guys. [laughter] chew on that. chew on that. >> i'm going to. >> jon: enjoy that one. >> it started off going for that target audience, as a matter of fact. i find the middle-aged white guys are not represented enough in today's american media. [laughter] >> jon: they are victims in many respects. >> they are indeed underlings. >> jon: they are underlings. tell me about this julia roberts. she seems to have a few... >> she's a nut. she's an absolute cook. she's a dream boat, she smells, mmm, fantastic. i just did a marty short, there mmm. >> jon: who is the best smelling, in your experience. >> yes. >> jon: and i think this is very important, the best-smelling actor. >> best-smelling actor or actress? >> i got it. i got it. i am going to say kevin bacon. [laughter] because on "apollo 13" we were really jammed in, jammed in. >> jon: is there a savory quality to that? is there a baconnesque, if you will, because that is... is that where you were going? >> no, no, i think he smells like a little mix of baby powder and listerine. >> jon: that's a lot of hygiene. >> that is a lot of hygiene. >> jon: do you get to choose, you've worked with julia roberts before. do you say to yourself, i'm going to be on location for... how long does it take to do a movie? >> this took about nine weeks, but we shot it in the family in los angeles, so not exactly a location. so everyone went home every night. >> jon: it almost doesn't even matter then. >> but still, there is an aspect of who do you want to see every day. you want to see people that make you laugh. maybe you meet them for the first time on the first day of shooting or maybe you've done other films with them. >> jon: you wrote this, you co-wrote this... >> co-wrote this with nia vardalos. >> jon: you were the boss. you made the costumes. >> i did not make the costumes. >> jon: you cooked everyone feta cheese. >> there were some days i had the crock pot on the back of the camper. this is true. you start off in a long time ago and you just put that dream team together, and you examine the scene that is stuck inside. you'll hate it. >> jon: is tom hanks calls somebody, and i'm going to talk about you in the third person, do you ever feel the sting of a rejected phone call? if you call somebody up and go, i want you to do this and they're like, no? >> no, no, no. you start with a caveat right off the bat. the first thing you do... you can say, no you can say, no it will not hurt my feelings. it will hurt my feelings. will not, but if you don't like it, don't do it. it's just the way it works. >> jon: and you'll go with the direct phone call yourself? >> no, the last thing... >> jon: is that the last line of defense. >> the worst thing is when they say, i don't think he's going to do it unless you give him a call. >> jon: it's all on you. >> that's like disaster. >> jon: that's how i ended up guest starring on "the nanny." >> here's the weird thing, it does totally work. >> jon: it really does. one day i'm in my office and i hear [as fran dresser] "hello." nanny fein? >> you're like, i'd love to do this but it bumps with this movie we're doing already. in what way? well, a guy puts on clothes and drives to a thing and this deal happens, so i wish i could. >> jon: i were i could but i can't. >> you escape with your life. >> jon: for you now, this is this the pinnacle, from now on it's tom hanks... you just become not just "stella got her groove back" but the tyler perry of middle-aged white guys. tom hanks presents. >> i've done my time in the dress, so maybe i can actually... i don't know if the kids remember that back before high-def if you go back on the youtube you'll find me in the bosom buddy, which started it all. [cheering and applause] thank you. thank you. actually, i look at the actors during the movie, they are having such a good time, sitting over there laughing, not working, not figuring out the shots, not finding out what you can't, do not having to argue with someone on the phone at the end of the day. they're having fun and i used to be one of them. i'm never doing this again. [laughter] >> jon: you will never ever not be adorable. [cheering and applause] >> god bless you, sir. >> jon: "larry crowne" in theaters on friday. >> that's the end of the third segment? >> >> jon: yes. the new droid incredible 2. i could use a smartphone with social apps to stay up on what my friends are doing. and it's global, so i'll know what they're doing while they're doing it, even when i travel. i'll have to act surprised when they tell me stuff. i don't have a good surprised face. maybe i can look up videos of surprised people on my new phone for reference. yep, i really want that phone. now on america's largest, st reliabxr high-speed network. verizon. >> jon: that's our show, everybody. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. our guest tomorrow bill kristol, who is considered the tom hanks of the neo-conservative world. [laughter] here it is, your moment. of zen. >> a man in west virginia faces assault charges after police say he passed gas in front of the officer. [laughing] the man was already arrested for d.u.i. according to police reports -- y comedy central captioned by
Comedy Central
Jul 5, 2011 2:05am PDT
tomorrow bill kristol, who is considered the tom hanks of the neo-conservative world. [laughter] here it is, your moment. of zen. >> a man in west virginia faces assault charges after police say he passed gas in front of the officer. [laughing] the man was already arrested for d.u.i. according to police reports -- y comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by comedy central
Comedy Central
Jul 1, 2011 2:30am PDT
: thanks so much for coming by. bill kristol, everybody. you could save a bundle with geico's multi-policy discount. geico, saving people money on more than just car insurance. ♪ geico, saving people money on more than just car insurance. >> jon: that's our show. here it is, your moment of zen. ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight the fcc rules about whether i can talk about my pac on the air. spoilary all right, i'm talking about my pac on the air. then, can we trust pakistan to find out i'll close my eyes and fall into their arms. (laughter) >> stephen: and my guest timothy garton ash believes reporting the facts can change the course of history. then again, so can wikipedia. a french couple has adopted a 265 pound gor la. and in tomorrow's news, a french couple is malled by newly orphanned gor la. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the report, everybody! thank you for joining us. thank you,
Comedy Central
Jun 30, 2011 7:00pm PDT
, everybody. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. our guest tomorrow bill kristol, who is considered the tom hanks of the neo-conservative world. [laughter] here it is, your moment. of zen. >> a man in west virginia faces assault charges after police say he passed gas in front of the officer. [laughing] the man was already arrested for d.u.i. according to police reports -- y comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org
FOX News
Jul 8, 2011 4:00am EDT
optimist. where are we? bring in the panel. bill kristol, stand stand. january williams, the hill. sindcated columnist charles krauthammer. bill, where is this headed? >> it sounds like they're heading toward a deal. not a deal i'm going to like, and think i it's bad for conservative and republican bus i think they're intimidated. the president is going around talking about the rich, the sky will fall unless republicans cave. they're ready to cave in a big way on sunday. >> bret: house minority leader nancy pelosi will meet with the president op friday there are obviously significant pushback from the left as well. today. >> huge pushback, not only from nancy pelosi and the house democrats but from every liberal organization in washington has be filling up the inbox with complaints about the idea first and foremost that the democrats are spineless and going to give up medicare as an issue that has in fact vaulted more democrats. they're all referring to new york 26. the special election that took place, where a republican district, the republicans were unable to hold the seat beca
FOX
Jul 17, 2011 9:00am PDT
sunday group. bill kristol of "the weekly standard." john podesta head of the center for american progress. liz cheney from keep america safe. fox news political analyst, juan williams. bill, house and senate republicans separately are going to push for vote this week realityed to balanced budget amendment. i understand that it appeals to their base and jim jordan makes an impassioned argument why it's the right policy. but shouldn't they have been doing this months' ago rather than wait for the final two weeks? >> i think it would have been better if the house republicans push "cut, cap and balance" a month ago. they were hesitant. they didn't want to vote for any debt ceiling increase. i'm sympathetic to their dislike of giving the federal government yet more money and ton more money to heap on us more debt. it has to be increased no one has a proposal to cut $1.4 trillion right away, which is what you have to do. it's important on tuesday they will pass a dealt ceiling increase with spending cuts and spending caps and a balanced budget amendment added to it. it can no longer be
FOX News
Jul 17, 2011 11:00pm PDT
over who is to blame for the current debt ceiling stalemate. time for the sunday group, bill kristol of the weekly standard. john podesta head of the center for american progress. liz cheney from keep america safe and fox news political analyst, juan williams. house and senate republicans are separately going to be pushing for votes this week related to a balanced budget amendment. i understand that it appears to their base and jim jordan certainly makes an impassioned argument as to why it is the right policy. shouldn't they have been doing this months ago rather than waiting for the final two weeks? >> i think it would have been better if house republicans pushed cut, cap and balance a month ago. i'm extremely sympathetic to the dislike of giving the federal government more money. no one has a proposal to cut $1.4 trillion right away which is what you have to do. i think it is very important on tuesday that they will now pass a debt ceiling increase with spending cuts and spending caps and a balanced budget amendment added to it. it can no longer be said that the house republicans hav
FOX
Jul 24, 2011 9:00am EDT
apart. it is time for our group. brit hume, and a.b. stoddard of the hill newspaper. bill kristol of the weekly standard and political an left juan williams . juan has a book out "muzzled" and the assault of honest debate. juan congratulations. i read the first chapter and didn't mention me but it was still very interesting. [laughter] >> chris: i had a very carefully framed question, bret. you heard what geithner and boehner said. what do you make of it? >> it is striking that the house has acted and passed a plan and the senate has refused to take it up and vote it up or down. what you see here is a interesting combination of events, the president hasn't stated a position or set forth a scorable plan or any of that. and these house republicans have basically done that. and what you are seeing here, there is a peculliar double standard, because when the house acts, everybody said i pass that and that won't pass. but the senate has done nothing to have them pass. they haven't passed a budget. >> chris: 97-zer on. >> they haven't done anything . every time the house acts, you can't pa
FOX News
Jul 24, 2011 3:00pm PDT
political am list, amy stoddard. bill kristol and analyst juan williams and want to note juan has a new book out called "muzzled" about his dismissle from national radio and assault on honest debate. i read the first chapter, didn't mention me, but it was still very interesting. [laughter] >> you know, i had a carefully framed question for you, brit. let me ask a much simpler one. you heard what geithner said and heard what boehner said. what do you make of it? >> well, it is striking that the house has acted and passed a plan and the senate has basically refused to take it up and voted it down. what you see here is an interesting combination of events because the president really hasn't stated a position or set forth a scorable plan or any of that and these, the house republicans have basically done that. and what you're seeing here is a very peculiar kind of double standard because when the house acts, as everybody says, well, that can't, i can't pass that, that won't pass, but you don't have the senate has done nothing. they haven't passed-- they haven't passed a budget. >> they'
CSPAN
Jul 11, 2011 6:00am EDT
weekly standard, he articulated along with william kristol, bill kristol, of the weekly standard, the idea of national greatness conservatism thatwhat conservatives need to really get people's energy up and to build a winning coalition is to indulge in big, great projects that are of national greatnesslet's build big dams, let's have big wars, let's have big kumbaya moments from a conservative point of view andi'm not a fan of that. matt welch is certainly not a fan of that. and i always bring it back to my grandparents who left europe because they didn't want to be part of somebody else's national greatness plan. >> richard nixon -- you call him the "colossus of yorba linda." >> yes, well that's a reference to the iluminados trilogy by robert anton wilson and robert shea, where throughout it, it's a great parody book of a kind of conspiracy theory that came out in the early to mid-'70s, and throughout it a character is trying to raise money to build a stature in honor of nixon, they called the "colossus of yorba linda." >> what did you think of him? >> of nixon? >> yes. >> nixon is a
FOX
Jul 3, 2011 9:00am EDT
: president front runner mitt romney excoriating the issue. time now for the sunday group. bill kristol of "the weekly standard." nina easton of fortune magazine. chris stirewalt. and kirsten powers. welcome to all of you. >> thank you. >> shannon: look at the numbers that we have insofar from the latest quarter of g.o.p. 2012 contenders and what we are looking for fundraising for them. we find romney at the top with estimate of 15 to 20 million. and tim pawlenty is neck in neck in the $4 million range. ron paul says more than $4.5 million. herman cain at $2.5 million. no reports from bachmann, gingrich or santorum. what do you make of the numbers? who are the winners and losers so far? >> the big winner is president obama because he has tens of millions of dollars. they are projecting half a million donors total, broad-based. they'll have all the money. they are making financial argument. alum rock has enough, bringing in enough dough to make inevitability argument, he has the cash to site through and get it done. tim pawlenty raises enough to stay viable but the numbers aren't good enoug
FOX News
Jul 17, 2011 12:00pm EDT
cheney and juan williams and bill kristol you will say how are they ever going to solve the debt problem? >> shannon: katie, bar the door. chris, thank you. >> you bet. >> shannon: you can catch chris' exclusive interview with congressman van hollen and jordan and republican presidential candidate herman cain on the fox news channel after our show. >>> iowa governor said it's likely that texas governor rick perry will run for president. he tells the "associated press" after a friday conversation with the lonestar state counterpart he gets the "definite impression perry is likely to run." perry said he is likely to decide whether or not he's in, in two or three weeks. the hawkeye state holds the first in the nation presidential caucus february 2012. >>> lots of campaigning, plenty of polls and there isn't an overwhelming favorite in the 2012 g.o.p. primary race. according to the gallop poll, republicans said they didn't have a preference. who do candidates need to do to stand out? we are joined by the chairman of civil forum pac and cofounder of project s have ford o'connell and ellen, th
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